National museums to work with budget airline industry on new charging model

The budget airline industry has been enlisted by government ministers to help design a new tiered pricing model for overseas visitors to the UK’s national museums and galleries.

Following the news last week that the Department for Culture, Media and Sport is exploring the merits of charging international visitors, Museums Journal can exclusively reveal that, in addition to admission fees, the government may consider bringing in a series of add-ons for customers willing to pay a little extra.

These “extras” have not yet been confirmed but are likely to include a fast-track queuing system, whereby non-fee paying visitors are funnelled through a series of uncomfortable holding pens – primarily stairwells and back corridors – while they wait to enter the museum. Any delays in the queuing system will not be acknowledged or explained.

Meanwhile, tiered viewing bays will see visitors charged more for uninterrupted views of display cases from a distance, and a premium rate to be able see objects up close and read the interpretation labels.

A lighting fee will be charged for those who wish to see displays with the lights on. People carrying anything in their hands, such as a phone or a map of the museum, will be charged per item according to weight and size.

Visitors may also be asked to pay an “emotional response tax” if they are observed responding to the museum’s collections in any manner other than a blank, slightly bored stare. There may be a premium charge for visitors viewing objects that come from their country of origin, due to the added emotional impact these may have.

Tourists will also have to pay for taking photographs at the museum, with a per-person charge for anyone appearing alongside an object in the photograph. Any humorous mimicking of statues or paintings during photography will result in an immediate fine and expulsion from the museum.

There will be a new “lazy arse” tax for anyone who wishes to sit down during their museum experience. Narrow, tilted concrete benches will be provided, with added charges for luxuries such as cushioned seating and leg room. Mechanical spikes will rise every few minutes to discourage people from lingering too long.

Customer services

The budget airline industry will also be tasked with rolling out a new customer service model at national institutions.

Front-of-house staff will be obliged to attend re-education camps, where they will be trained to see international museum-goers not as visitors who wish to share in the joys of the UK’s culture, but as mindless consumers ready to be fleeced of every last penny.

Staff will be drilled in the budget airline industry’s much-admired “customer is always wrong” approach, developing techniques such as an ability to ask abrupt, invasive questions; beadily scan customers for any additional money-making opportunities; and laugh contemptuously in the face of all complaints.

An AI spokesdrone for the budget airline industry said: “Our business model is the envy of the world and we are looking forward to working with museums to implement these changes – they’ve been far too namby-pamby about pandering to their visitors up to now.

“We think most museum customers will accept the new system – those bastards know they are getting a cheap day out and for this they must be made to pay.

“Our advice to museums going forward is to change the pricing model every so often to keep people on their toes and ensure they can be fined for failing to meet any spurious new requirements.”

The chief propagandist for the government said: “This government has been very clear: we no longer believe in doing anything purely for the sake of the public good.

“Of course we stand by the principle that every cash-cow – I mean, visitor –from overseas should have the right to access our amazing culture – as long as they can pay up.”

The government refused to confirm or deny that charges for overseas tourists were the first step in a slippery slope that will see the end of free admission for all visitors. However, the chief propagandist did give a cheeky wink when this question was put to him.