This is my final diary. No more will I record the truth behind the facades of Britain’s national museums.
First, I want to say that the Sun’s headline, “Director Gussie Swallows Harry’s Willie” is completely misleading. This horrible pleb of a journo was camped outside my Chelsea riverside apartment and he said he wouldn’t go away until I talked to him, so I did.
Yes, I told him, I was at Harry’s “Back from Towelheadland” party last week. Harry is big on culture-themed parties. (Do you remember the ridiculous fuss there was about his sensitively conceived Third Reich party a year or so ago?)
And, yes, Harry does have a pet goldfish he calls William because, he says, it just lies there opening and shutting its mouth. And, yes, purely as a joke, I did take the fish out of its bowl and pretend to eat it. Hence that “Director Gussie Swallows Harry’s Willie” headline.
I also want to say that no goats were harmed during the party: the “goat” was Sir N, dressed as the Great God Pan. He actually enjoys what you see on the films. Unfortunately for my career, no one knows it’s him.
These films, it turned out, were taken by waitresses whom Harry had met in the bar and invited, in all innocence, to join the party purely for conversation. How is it possible to conceal miniature cameras wearing only a thong?
Of course, once this all came out, the perm sec was furious and I was sacked as director of the National Museum of British History. When I asked why, he said: “Because you have brought Britain into disrepute.”
“And what about Harry? “ I asked.
“Don’t be stupid,” he replied. “He is Britain”.
First, I want to say that the Sun’s headline, “Director Gussie Swallows Harry’s Willie” is completely misleading. This horrible pleb of a journo was camped outside my Chelsea riverside apartment and he said he wouldn’t go away until I talked to him, so I did.
Yes, I told him, I was at Harry’s “Back from Towelheadland” party last week. Harry is big on culture-themed parties. (Do you remember the ridiculous fuss there was about his sensitively conceived Third Reich party a year or so ago?)
And, yes, Harry does have a pet goldfish he calls William because, he says, it just lies there opening and shutting its mouth. And, yes, purely as a joke, I did take the fish out of its bowl and pretend to eat it. Hence that “Director Gussie Swallows Harry’s Willie” headline.
I also want to say that no goats were harmed during the party: the “goat” was Sir N, dressed as the Great God Pan. He actually enjoys what you see on the films. Unfortunately for my career, no one knows it’s him.
These films, it turned out, were taken by waitresses whom Harry had met in the bar and invited, in all innocence, to join the party purely for conversation. How is it possible to conceal miniature cameras wearing only a thong?
Of course, once this all came out, the perm sec was furious and I was sacked as director of the National Museum of British History. When I asked why, he said: “Because you have brought Britain into disrepute.”
“And what about Harry? “ I asked.
“Don’t be stupid,” he replied. “He is Britain”.
