Naturally, as a national museum director, I had a place in one of the government’s VIP hospitality boxes at the Olympics.
So while the little people were paying £10 a head for the privilege of being beaten up and shot at by the security henchmen, I did my bit for Britain with arms manufacturers and dictators from across the world!
Jeremy turned up in my box at the closing ceremony. He looked strange. Then I realised – it was his hair! Usually it stands as upright as the bristles on a bog-brush. Yet here he was, with a side parting and hair plastered to his scalp with Brylcreem.
“It’s the reshuffle,” he groaned. “Gove thinks DCMS should merge with Education, and he devised a series of trials to test my suitability for a ministerial role.
“Last night he invited me to his private office. When we were alone, he made me sit the citizenship test. Then I had to put on a school uniform with short trousers and sing God Save the Queen while he accompanied me on the kazoo.
“Suddenly, Rupert Murdoch came into the room. Naturally we bowed before him, kissing his hand and swearing allegiance. ‘Jeremy,’ he said over dinner, ‘Coalitions come and go but my Empire endures. When the time comes, I will reward your loyalty with editorship of the Aberdeen Examiner.’
“Gove then set me the final test: to share a room with him for the night. I knew what was expected of me, so after we had changed into our pyjamas I knelt by the bed and prayed for Scotland to remain part of the Union.
"I asked him this morning if I had passed the test. All he would say was that I had done better than Danny Alexander."
So while the little people were paying £10 a head for the privilege of being beaten up and shot at by the security henchmen, I did my bit for Britain with arms manufacturers and dictators from across the world!
Jeremy turned up in my box at the closing ceremony. He looked strange. Then I realised – it was his hair! Usually it stands as upright as the bristles on a bog-brush. Yet here he was, with a side parting and hair plastered to his scalp with Brylcreem.
“It’s the reshuffle,” he groaned. “Gove thinks DCMS should merge with Education, and he devised a series of trials to test my suitability for a ministerial role.
“Last night he invited me to his private office. When we were alone, he made me sit the citizenship test. Then I had to put on a school uniform with short trousers and sing God Save the Queen while he accompanied me on the kazoo.
“Suddenly, Rupert Murdoch came into the room. Naturally we bowed before him, kissing his hand and swearing allegiance. ‘Jeremy,’ he said over dinner, ‘Coalitions come and go but my Empire endures. When the time comes, I will reward your loyalty with editorship of the Aberdeen Examiner.’
“Gove then set me the final test: to share a room with him for the night. I knew what was expected of me, so after we had changed into our pyjamas I knelt by the bed and prayed for Scotland to remain part of the Union.
"I asked him this morning if I had passed the test. All he would say was that I had done better than Danny Alexander."
