Plans for our new annex, the Museum of Unhappiness, are coming along nicely. Subject to some fine tuning, this is how we anticipate it will work. Once through the interactive entrance porch, triggering the sound of an ice cream van disappearing into the distance, our visitors will be greeted by a “researcher” – obviously we can’t afford real researchers, but the marketing students have offered to help out again – equipped with clipboard, swab kit and fingerprint pad.

Visitors will be invited to respond to a few simple questions (purpose of visit/real purpose of visit/current socio-economic status/anticipated socio-economic status next year) before offering them our more detailed 56-page questionnaire to complete.

At the reception desk they will be offered a range of attractive concessions, including discounts for: local residents on producing two utility bills and the title deeds to their property or in the case of non-householders an up-to-date rent book; for those aged over 85 but no longer in full time employment; for those aged under three still in full-time education; and a voucher entitling them to a half-price biscuit in the cafe in return for a till receipt showing they have purchased not less than a pack of miniature coloured pencils and a scented eraser in the shape of an albatross from the gift shop.

The visitors will pass an array of closed doors colourfully labelled “gallery under re-arrangement” before coming to the shop (“closed for stock taking”) and the café (“closed for special function”) before proceeding past the washrooms (“cleaning by unfriendly male/female attendant in progress”) to the rear exit.

Visitors will then be led through the equestrian and gladiatorial display arena (“closed due to staff shortages”) back to our main front door.

It is expected that satisfaction levels for our traditional displays will show a marked improvement among visitors who have previously experienced the annex – even if we are compelled to keep “Simply Topping – milk bottle caps through the ages, one collector’s private passion” on for another six months.