I hate these calls from Bullingdon, the Minister’s special adviser. Last week he complained that I’d raised nothing for the Museum of British History from private donors. “Talk to Sir M,” he said. “He knows how to do it.”
I saw Sir M in his stylish office, furnished with contemporary art. This month it is large pieces of raw meat, suspended from hooks around the walls, and riddled with maggots. After 30 days it will be expertly butchered and served to potential donors.
“I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Igor K,” said Sir M, introducing a large man in a black-leather coat, accompanied by an attractive female translator and four bodyguards.
“Igor has lots of money accumulated through an ‘interesting’ past. He has a proposition for you.”
“Igor’s friend, Mr P, is a respectable wealthy collector in America,” explained the translator. “Mr P will ‘lend’ you his unique collection of British underwear and McGill postcards, and Igor will give £10m to you, if you will house Mr P’s collection in your museum.
“All Igor asks is that you invite his good friend Prince Andrew to be patron, and allow Igor to hold discrete private business events featuring models, with and without underwear, in your museum.”
“The rest is easy,” said Sir M. “Jeremy’s Philanthropy Fund will match the £10m, and you get the money for your capital works from the lottery. Then, ten years later, Mr P takes his collection back, now worth a lot more, and you still have your building! Simples!”
“Everyone’s a winner,” laughed Sir M, “Except the people of Britain, and who cares about them?”
I saw Sir M in his stylish office, furnished with contemporary art. This month it is large pieces of raw meat, suspended from hooks around the walls, and riddled with maggots. After 30 days it will be expertly butchered and served to potential donors.
“I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Igor K,” said Sir M, introducing a large man in a black-leather coat, accompanied by an attractive female translator and four bodyguards.
“Igor has lots of money accumulated through an ‘interesting’ past. He has a proposition for you.”
“Igor’s friend, Mr P, is a respectable wealthy collector in America,” explained the translator. “Mr P will ‘lend’ you his unique collection of British underwear and McGill postcards, and Igor will give £10m to you, if you will house Mr P’s collection in your museum.
“All Igor asks is that you invite his good friend Prince Andrew to be patron, and allow Igor to hold discrete private business events featuring models, with and without underwear, in your museum.”
“The rest is easy,” said Sir M. “Jeremy’s Philanthropy Fund will match the £10m, and you get the money for your capital works from the lottery. Then, ten years later, Mr P takes his collection back, now worth a lot more, and you still have your building! Simples!”
“Everyone’s a winner,” laughed Sir M, “Except the people of Britain, and who cares about them?”
