Had Bullingdon, the minister’s special adviser, on the phone the other day.
“Jeremy’s in a bad way, and you’re the only useful idiot I can find,” he bellowed down the line.
It seems that the public’s top request on the No 10 website was to give a chimpanzee a chance to run the department for culture and the PM had reluctantly agreed to it!
As soon as I got to the secret War Rooms in DCMS’s vast underground stone vaults (Mission: think the unthinkable; do the unspeakable), I was greeted by a chimp in a suit.
I have to admit he seemed to have got things well under control. Groups of big society kids were happily roasting potatoes and squirrels over blazing piles of library books and serving them with a locust garnish to Lord S and other leading philanthropists.
In the far corner, I spotted the SoS with a group of chimps. He was doing something unspeakable with a banana to impress the females.
The fact that the minister for culture looked quite at home with the lady apes and was naively tweeting the whole performance really didn’t help.
I saw the need to intervene. I extracted the banana and dragged the SoS away.
“Minister,” I said, “You’ve got it all wrong. The people love you for being a cheeky multimillionaire who claimed 1p on expenses for a 12-second phone call. OK, you make the chimp look good, but the people want you to be more hominid, not simian.”
My words did the trick. When, a few hours later, he stood on a platform to announce that Rupert Murdoch would buy Tate Media, I felt his success was mine as well.
“Jeremy’s in a bad way, and you’re the only useful idiot I can find,” he bellowed down the line.
It seems that the public’s top request on the No 10 website was to give a chimpanzee a chance to run the department for culture and the PM had reluctantly agreed to it!
As soon as I got to the secret War Rooms in DCMS’s vast underground stone vaults (Mission: think the unthinkable; do the unspeakable), I was greeted by a chimp in a suit.
I have to admit he seemed to have got things well under control. Groups of big society kids were happily roasting potatoes and squirrels over blazing piles of library books and serving them with a locust garnish to Lord S and other leading philanthropists.
In the far corner, I spotted the SoS with a group of chimps. He was doing something unspeakable with a banana to impress the females.
The fact that the minister for culture looked quite at home with the lady apes and was naively tweeting the whole performance really didn’t help.
I saw the need to intervene. I extracted the banana and dragged the SoS away.
“Minister,” I said, “You’ve got it all wrong. The people love you for being a cheeky multimillionaire who claimed 1p on expenses for a 12-second phone call. OK, you make the chimp look good, but the people want you to be more hominid, not simian.”
My words did the trick. When, a few hours later, he stood on a platform to announce that Rupert Murdoch would buy Tate Media, I felt his success was mine as well.
