Bullingdon rang the other day. “Lib-Dems are restive. Minister’s getting complaints. Why not stage a stunt in that place that hates Gordon Brown. Where was it? Rochdale!”
What to do? Then I remembered that flea-bitten mummified cat that the BM had sent to “enlighten” the residents of Hackney, to great acclaim. I needed to find an animal. Eventually the NHM offered me the Holy Toad of Lancashire, a desiccated little monster discovered in 1423, perfectly preserved, behind a statue of the Virgin Mary. Apparently it performed miracles.
We met strong resistance from local museums. They had planned their own joint exhibition on the Rochdale Pioneers, until I reminded them of the realities of partnership. We sent the grotesque reptile around Lancashire, and whipped out a release for the press on the Holy Toad returning home. They swallowed it whole.
But then bumper stickers appeared in Yorkshire saying “Croak if you’re from Lancashire”. Rival football supporters began making “ribbit” noises when they were playing Lancashire teams.
It turned out that the Church had demoted the Holy Toad in 1967 when a mother complained that licking the animal had made her child ill. In the end we had to cancel the tour.
Worst of all, on Bonfire night, effigies of “Jeremy Hunt the London Toad” appeared in Rochdale, and were burned alongside Guy Fawkes.
Jeremy was furious and so was I. These ignorant northern people clearly have no understanding of culture or respect for national museums. This would never happen in Chelsea!
And regional museums have the cheek to suggest that we in the nationals have something to learn from them.
