Really, you're too kind, please don't feel you have to. Truly. I appreciate the thought, but it really is the thought that counts. Just put a contribution on my behalf into the museum begging bowl.
Honestly I'd prefer it if you did that, instead of buying me the V&A's £10 Keep Calm and Carry On poster. In fact if anyone else gives me a Keep Calm and Carry On poster, mug, or T-shirt, I may throw an unpleasant tantrum, hurl myself to the floor of the museum shop, and refuse to carry on for one breath longer.
It's sweet that you remembered that Uccello's Hunt in the Forest is one of my favourite things in the world, but I'm not sure that the Ashmolean has quite managed to translate its dark mystery into a drinks coaster. Could I just have an IOU for a cup of tea and a bun with you in their very smart new restaurant instead?
Ah, right, you're not sure when you'll have time to go to an actual museum, so you've decided to do all your Christmas shopping on CultureLabel?
Not like me, I'm doing all mine in the freebies and swap shop section of Gumtree. No, that's a joke, of course I think that supporting museums is really, really important. CultureLabel is doing amazingly well, isn't it?
But don't get the Infant Samuel their gun-shaped ruler, please. I know it says: "Carry a gun at school with this witty wooden ruler," but I just don't think his school would get the joke.
And actually, no, I don't think you should get your mother the Tate's Louise Bourgeois pillow case. I know it says "Je t'aime", and that's really sweet - but what if your mother remembers Bourgeois' great big spider, Maman? Get her that nice Tracey Emin birdy plate from the Royal Academy instead, it's in the Gifts For Mum section, that should be safe.
No, honestly, nothing for me. Well, if you insist, socks can never offend. Hankies. Nice box of chocolates. Bath salts, yes, lovely. Just not, please, please, that Psycho shower curtain from Baltic.
